Thursday, February 21, 2013

Life Lately


Have you been reading Jenni, of Story of My Life's Advice for Bloggers posts? If you haven't, it's pretty great. Jenni is one of my favorite bloggers. And well, I've always dreamed of having a popular, beautiful blog like hers. Today's advice hit home for me. Lately, or more like almost a year has gone by that I've had little interest in blogging. I don't like being 'real'. It's scary to put my feelings or what I am going through out here for everyone (more specifically- family, stalkers, ex boyfriends) to read. I tend to prefer to keep most things, the deep things to myself.

Anyway, it's time to talk. I need to talk, vent, spill my guts, etc. This is a very wordy post. Whether you choose to read it or not, it won't hurt my feelings. Trust me.

Things have been tough. Emotionally tough. I really have started to think I need to see a counselor. My husband doesn't understand. I constantly feel overwhelmed. I'm lacking major sleep because I can't shut my brain off. One would think that moving to 'paradise' would be all rainbows and sunshine...that I should be happy?! Well you see, we are faced with life amongst all the rainbows and sunshine (actually its rainy season right 

Army/Milspouse Life:
 1-Money. It's expensive to live here. Sure, the Army gives you a certain amount of money but, when the other spouse can't find a job to save her life and you've got student loans to be paid every month it gets tight. Having no job then makes one feel useless. You live paycheck to paycheck. You have to say no to doing fun things on your list. It gets sad or old sometimes. I loathe money issues. I feel bad for even saying that, like I'm selfish and ungrateful but it weighs on me, constantly. I use to think I was simple, that I could merely enjoy simple things. I guess I don't?
2- Friends. Having little to no friends here has certainly not made things easier. You know those days where you really need girl time/time away from your hubby because he is driving you nuts? Ya... I just go to the beach, which isn't so bad but girl time is always good for the soul. Sometimes I just end up calling my mom. Part of it I think is my fault. I knew marrying into Army that military spouse friends would come and go due to PCSing so I chose to not allow myself any super close friendships. I can't just take a road trip...I'm on an island. Sure I could fly home... If I wanted to spend $800-1000 on a flight all the way across the US. (FL is home). Again, it's not easy.

3- Our Marriage. It's taken a serious backbone. As I said a few blog posts ago, it's been tough. It's been better lately actually, but could use some working on. We would like to see a marriage counselor but of course his work schedule doesn't allow it. He doesn't always get a lunch break. He is in bed by 7 every night, up at 4:30am. So, The Army does marriage retreats, which is pretty cool and before we got married we had talked about taking advantage of them. We've tried twice to go and Hubby can't get out of what he is doing...they won't let him. There's an awesome spouse day next week. Something I've been wanting to do.... Do you think his unit will allow the men to participate with their wives on this day?? Nope. The Army is not all about making marriages strong. When your in the Army, it's #1. Not you, not your spouse, not your kids. I knew I'd be marrying the Army when I married my Hubby. I just didn't realize it would be this bad/hard.

4- Plans. You can't hope for or plan anything in the Army. My husband has missed his twin brothers wedding and now will be missing his best friends wedding. There's a looming deployment and everything has been changing lately. It keeps getting pushed back and even has been talk of none at all. I can't get excited about that because they could easily up and change their minds, for the billionth time. This pushes back our plans of what I'd do while he is deployed and for seeing family (block leave). Everything is up in the air and I don't like it one bit. 

*Military life is different for every branch, rank, unit, and base. These are my feelings and opinions.*

School: for those who don't know, I am taking advantage of being a military spouse and getting a cert/license for Medical Assistant and possibly Pharmacy Tech. For Free. Awesome. It's taken a backbone a lot lately. I've had zero motivation. Like right now, I should be doing my schoolwork. 

Gym: my drug, my stress reliever. I can't keep a regular schedule. I use the gym on base because its free. But I only go during certain times because of how crowded it can get. Sometimes I'm not able to go or I have no motivation. Lately, I've been going maybe 2-3 times a week. I wish I could have a regular schedule again. I'm getting rounded and I don't like it one bit.

God: oh man. I don't like saying this but He has been shoved very far on the list. I mean...look where he is on this blog post??!! Dead last. It makes me sad, it does. But all this stuff, above, takes over my mind, my days. I'm beginning to think I wouldn't feel this way if I put wholeheartedly my trust back in him. To take care of me and my husband and all our worries. I really need a bible study group. Or to really just get my act together. I'd give anything for a week away to reboot my mind/body/soul.

Are you a Military spouse? Was your first year married to the Military like this? 

*I don't post this for sympathy, that's not what I am looking for. I simply want to know that this is normal or that someone else has experienced these things and has come out the other side of the storm. That they've made it through these military life obstacles. 

Much love from Hawaii.



Cara said...

2 tips:
How about I just come visit for a week and we can lay on the beach in Hawaii? Sounds perfect to me.

Secondly, I think seeing a counselor is a great idea! I am so sorry that you are feeling so frustrated right now- it is tough. I think a counselor would really help. Talking to someone who is an unbiased 3rd party would really help you just vent and talk to someone who is able to see things from the outside. You should look into it.

Also, when I was new in Seattle, I joined a girls' meet up group and it was great! I met a ton of nice girls who were all there just looking for girlfriends like me. I met one of my best friends through it. A lot of the girls were there in Seattle because of their husband's job. Check it out. They have a meet up group for EVERYTHING!

Hope you feel better! said...

My husband is Navy and we're totally experiencing a lot of the same things. I went and talked to someone a few months ago (rather than opting for meds), and it was one of the best things I did for myself and for us. I face a lot of the same issues you're facing. While I do have a job, it's not one I like. We have such a hard time too with making plans. I wrote about how I feel like my life is up in the air right now a couple days ago. I get what you're going through. The military doesn't care about your life, and it makes it hard on marriage/family. From experience, the best thing you can do is go talk to someone about how you're feeling. When you're feeling better and not battling internally with everything else, it helps your marriage! I hope things get better for you, but know you are not alone!

Alison said...

I think you are very brave for being honest. Being married can be tough in itself, but throw in the military and moving across country, YIKES! My husband and I will have been married 10 years next month and have moved at least 6 times. We have been through a lot: starting as teens (he was a private=no $), PCSing (a lot), multiple deployments (3), and schools...he's now an Infantry officer. It is a hard life, and hard on marriage/family.

You are not alone! So many milspouses go through these issues. Over the years I've been in many different organizations: FRG, PWOC, Spouses Clubs, Moms clubs, volunteer positions,etc... I would recommend trying out PWOC. You are likely to meet friends and have a regular spiritual outlet.

I have found it is difficult to make friends as an adult, especially moving so much. BUT having even one TRUE girlfriend at your base is vital (and a treasure). Someone you can talk to, shop with, enjoy coffee or go to a movie with.

Email if you would like to "talk" more and good luck! I have enjoyed your blog and wish you the best.

Faison said...

Oh Michelle, you made me cry! I completely understand. No friends here, a job that isn't paying much, and I am constantly butting heads with Peter's other commitment- the Army. Sure, I love that he's doing what he loves, but sometimes I feel like the Army can be a jealous 2nd wife, demanding his attention all the time.

It is so incredibly hard to spill the truth publicly, but I truly admire you for doing this. You're a beautiful girl, inside and out, and you are a blogger that I really look up to. If you ever want to talk, please, drop me an email. I might not know much about the Army since I'm still a new-ish wed in the military, but I'm always here if you need to vent. Things will be better, jobs will be found, and friendships will develop. Keep your chin up and know that you're not alone. Stay strong, sweet friend.

Caroline said...

Thinking about you and praying for you. I don't know what you're going through, but keep your head up and your heart focused on God. He will help you. xoxo

Jenn @ West Sac Honey said...

Aw you can call me I'd love to chat with you! xo

I really suggest seeing a counselor even if it's for yourself to help you sort your thoughts and things weighing on you. Then when and if he's able start to see a counselor together.

A counselor REALLY helps I see one on my own and it really helped me break though some problems I had so I hope you seek it. I keep suggesting it to everyone.

Good for you for putting it out there I know it's hard I haven't had any experience with what your dealing with.

But I can tell you this - August I might be coming to Ko Olina so if I do WE HAVE TO MEET!!

Erica said...

SO so glad you were honest and open. I've missed YOU on this blog! I don't have any magical words, just long distance hugs and oodles of prayers from a stranger who is rooting for you!

Miss Chelsea said...

Ugh hug. Just want to give you a big ol hug.

KelleeLyn said...

{This is first time commenting I think!}
Many of your feelings and issues sound very familiar to our first year- year and half of marriage. We got married half way though a 12 month deployment {I couldn't handle the stress of planning the wedding anymore}, so our first year included 6 more months of deployment and then a PCS 3 months after he got back. Add all of that to being newlyweds and learning how to live together, money and navigating eachother's families and some weeks it seemed as though we were bickering more than we were enjoying eachother. BUT I am here to tell you that it does get better. Nothing has really changed Army wise, we have since moved two more times in 2 years and are currently separated for another 12 months for a Korean hardship tour and all of the same pressures are there; but we have learned how to tackle them together as a couple. I think the biggest lesson that we have learned is that we always need to put eachother first and "us" first. He can't always do that becuase of the Army, but he makes sure to put me first every chance he gets, and I do the same. We also always make sure we are doing what's best for us as a couple and our family and friends who haven't seen us in awhile need to understand that. So, for example... block leave, we don't see family, we take vacations just the two of us and tell family/friends if they want to see us they can visit us another time. Time off and time with your hubby is precious in the Army and we never feel guilty for watching out for us.

On another note, since you miss going to the gym because timing is off, why not get some workout dvd's for home? Or you can find plenty online for free... just a thought :)

Shelley Hurley said...

My husband was Air Force now he is Air national Guard. So much of what you shared I can honestly relate to. I moved across country to California so flying back home was difficult. Jay worked a night shift which meant he slept most of the day & worked when I slept and don't get me started on money being tight! It's easy to say hang in there it will get better but it can feel impossible at times. :) We're family so if you ever want to talk I would love to.

Jane said...

I know exactly how you feel. I hate not being able to make plans. I'm a planner. We are suppose to be PCSing but this whole there is a deployment, there isn't, there is, there isn't is throwing a serious wrench in things. I LOVE Hawaii itself, but it's hard on the friends, money and job front. I hate that we live paycheck to paycheck, I hate that there is so much we won't be able to do in Hawaii. If you ever want to go grab a coffee on the cheap let me know! :)

Mish Lovin' Life said...

I have to agree with Erica - - I've missed hearing YOU talk on this blog. Even if I can't necessarily relate to the army troubles, anyone can relate to "troubles" in general. And sometimes just writing them out makes things significantly better! :)
I'm sending positive thoughts your way girlfriend and just know, this too shall pass. It always does. Things will get better!


Ashley said...

I read Jenni's advice a couple days ago, and I couldn't help but know that I'm not exactly 100% honest and open about my life either... for a lot of the same reasons as you.

My life really isn't that exciting, and I've been struggling with plenty of the things you mentioned. Friends. I don't care what anyone says... it's not easy making friends once you're past college age.

Marriage. I'm convinced it's never easy, but all of the other things you mentioned just make it tougher.

I'm not married to a military man, but I am married to an airline pilot who only gets his next months schedule a couple weeks in advance. I'm sure it's not as tough as a military schedule, but we can hardly ever make plans... at least not very far in advance. I know I've written at least one blog post about our plans being up in the air. I don't like that either, girl.

I still don't really want to share my life, because far too many people judge. (I know that some family members read my blog, and they're not the kindest critics... that's a whole other story).

I just wrote a book, but I want you to know you're not the only one who feels the way you do. Sometimes I just need to sit down and remind myself that life doesn't always go the way you want it to. It's hard to let go of control, but it makes life so much easier when you do. I sometimes think that heartbreak takes a long time to heal from, but it does happen. Slowly you learn to trust that people do love you just the way you are! God does. ;)

** big hugs from Florida ** wish you were here and we could chat about all these crazy life issues.

According to Jax said...

I love that you shared this!! And if you need friends, I'm more than happy to come visit you in HI! :)

P.S. I'm hosting a giveaway today for a $75 credit at MINTED.COM! Be sure to enter! You can mail all your loved ones sweet hearts from HI! :)

Mateya said...

I appreciate how honest this post is! I definitely sensor what I put on my blog and I was JUST thinking about how I would have a lot more blog material if I wasn't so scared of people seeing the REAL me.

Marriage is tough, no matter the circumstances. I know that military life throws a whole different side of things into the mix and it can be really difficult. There is just so much uncertainty with it all.

We just started doing an online Bible study (today) if you are interested. It's never too late to start! We're doing One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Add me on Facebook and I'll get you signed up on the page if you want!

Erica said...

I'm commenting again because I just left a women's ministry meeting at my church. I'm on the board and we live close to Fort Meade, so we were discussing how to minister to military wives. Someone brought up this Bible study and I immediately thought of you:

Honestly praying that some sweet Godly women pop up into your life and make it impossible not to befriend them. ;)

Jessica Who? said...

as a fellow hawaii military spouse -- I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! it's hard, but you'll get through it. we should definitely meet up sometime! xx

Mrs. M ~ a.k.a. ~ April said...

Thank you! Thank yoy! Thank you! For being yourself here. I have you in my favorites list of blogs to read. I can sympathize with you on many levels. A lot of what the ladies here have said, I agree with, so I won't belabor the point. BIG HUG for you though! And yes, God loves you and He's just a prayer away.

Janna Renee said...

Your hubby should have a mentor that he works with that would gladly give him time off to go to counseling. I know that the Army usually puts a lot of emphasis on trying to make sure that the divorce statistics are down. However, if your hubby doesn't feel comfortable telling people that he works with...that might be your problem. Will and I worked out our issues before we got married, because I wanted to make sure that we had NO excuses to get a divorce. For us, getting finances in order, learning how to communicate based on each others needs, and putting each other FIRST were what have made our marriage ridiculously strong.

I have been asked to post marriage tips, so hopefully I can do that soon. You should try to find "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I kind of read it thinking it was a joke, but it SERIOUSLY helped me get a better view on marriage.

Kasey Lynne said...

Oh girl, how I wish I could get on a plane right now and spend time with you!
I'm so sorry that you're going through all these hardships right now, but God is putting you through them to teach you something. My dad said something to me once that has stuck with me.."When God brings you a trial, say to him Lord thank you for this trial. Please show me what you want me to learn through this situation/experience, help me to grow into a stronger woman of Christ and help me to love that other person even though I want to hate them right now"'s easier said than done believe me, but it's a good mindset to have while going through trials.

I hope God blesses you with at least one great Mil Spouse, I really do. It hurts to hear that you don't have one yet. I also hope he opens a door for a job opportunity soon! I understand how frustrating that is after trying and trying to find one with no outcome!